i already hear my dad disowning me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
