Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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