I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
