you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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