I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
