There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
