someone owes me an orgasm
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
