Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
