Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
