I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
