If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
