That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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