A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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