can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
