so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
