Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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