Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
