Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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