winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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