Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
