You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
