since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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