you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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