dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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