why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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