I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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