Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How does one acquire holy water?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
