I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
FUCK WHALES
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize