like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Randomize
