the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
