This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
