I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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