Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
