Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
