I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
