I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
