If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
