Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
