I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
