I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize