My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
