I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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