i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
