She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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