dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
