i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
