I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
