So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
