Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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