I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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