Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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