Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
