i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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