I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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