Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
