ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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