I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
