yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
