she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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