listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
