He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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