god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
