I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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