you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
