Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
