I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
