Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize