i think my tv is drunk
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
