Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
