does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
