its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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